To cradle or not to cradle...

There is nothing like the feeling of you laying limp with your limbs scaling across my body, your eyes shut in peace, and my arms wrapped around you tightly (sometimes sweatily under your head). I started to get insecure about our sleeping thinking maybe I should listen to these books that say I am being a crutch and a prop if I hold you and bounce you to comfort you before you fall asleep. But then, we would miss one of the sweetest pleasures together. Your dad loves to hold you against his chest for your morning nap on one of his rare days off. A dear comfort for him and probably you too to feel the closeness. I love to lay in my mom's arms and I am how old? I miss falling asleep on your dads chest when he works overnights having the comfort of him near. Yes, we both are capable of falling asleep on our own (you suck your thumb and make a long reverberating vocal yoga breathing "wah" sound) but sometimes it is nice to be snuggled. And you only just turned six months! Am I rationalizing? There are a zillion opinions on the subject and I am sure you would probably turn up fine being raised on any one of the different theories as long as you were well loved. But on a low napping month, I start to second guess myself, my instincts, my beliefs, and wonder if I'm doing it all wrong. I can flip through a book and shrug off other methods on other topics feeling content with differing opinions and subscribing easily to my own style like opting for no meat, rice cereal, and ignore bizarre nursing practices. But then I come to a sleep section let indecision take over and over analyze.

Because with Dad working overtime and Mommy on day and night shift with no breaks for months I begin to wonder at my more labor intensive strategy. My arms and thighs get a work out along with my energy, time, and patience. Yes, it would be easier to lay you in your crib and let you fall asleep independently ignoring your cry. Yes, it would be easier to let you nurse, have a bottle, or pacifier. And I wonder...should I be doing something different? But for me, you...us, those strategies feel counter intuitive so we have the routine where I take you upstairs after about 1.5-2 hours of wake time, make sure your fed and changed, read a book, hold you in my arms sing and sway while you get yourself comfortable on my chest (usually with your thumb in your mouth and your sleep chant) until I "feel" your at the peace point and I lay you down to let you finish the dreamwalk on your own accord. Sometimes this is a five minute process sometimes twenty on a out layer rough-rough night two hours!

After a month or more of you having very short naps, I begin to question. And then, it will all change. You will sleep for 1.5 hours for a nap, put yourself to sleep, sleep all night, and I think why do I have that book in my house? We are okay. You just had a grow spurt, learned to crawl and sit up from a crawling position, and are being introduced to solids. In my head I know those things are triggers for less sleep. But, a text passage about brain development and mothers being responsible play in my head and I doubt myself. I try to talk to your Dad about it when he comes home (after working countless 12 hour shifts in a row) like it is the most important thing in the world when he looks at me like I just said I want to be an astronaut brushing it off into a perspective I want to regain.

Shock upon shock, I went to a mommy group today shyly asking about how their infants sleep and couldn't believe my ears when others said they experienced exactly what I did. Your Auntie Ann gave me the best advice reminding me that these things that seem big are really so small and I shouldn't sweat em. Funny thing is I kept telling myself that but then a doubt would splash over me and I would curl under indecision ignoring all my instincts sure someone else knew how to do it better.

I really believe we have intuition for a reason. I think it's part of the magic of God. Spirit lives inside us! I hope you can trust yourself and your inner Spirit. I hope circumstances don't make you quake because you have the bearing deep inside you of who you are and what is true for you. I hope you stay in touch with your Godself inside of you remembering always that logic is circumstantial, senses are based on perspective, but love is truth.

I think it is one thing to question and see what is "out there," learn new things, change. But it is another to waver and doubt and second guess. I hope you can be open minded and see the world but stay true to your heart's convictions. Not the convictions of culture, religion, tradition, family, science, school, friends, which are fine but not who you are. I hope you seize your own hearts ever blooming, ever speaking convictions to ground you. I believe this is apart of the piece of God inside of uniquely created you that God desires to share with the rest of the world. I pray you may trust yourself to live by the Spirit inside you.