My First Pregnancy Cries

I'd like to say your Dad has been the pregnancy crier but I would be lying. I have had one pregnancy cry per month. The first cry was the reactionary uncontrollable realization of "I'm pregnant" cry. The second came because I just missed your Dad. I want and crave love so much right now. It is all I want. I just want to be cradled and held forever. I want to feel engulfed in arms that love me. I want to feel love and just be sitting in a constant state of love. I want to be taken care of and snuggled. Thankfully we have three fury snuggle bugs so when Daddy works his overnights at the hospital I am not totally alone. But, it is still hard to have him gone working and me working. I don't want the world to get between us. And so, I cried and he held me. It's amazing how I don't even know what I am feeling completely until the tears come out and then like keys to the mystery the heart riddle can be solved.

My second cry came when I was nauseous. I haven't been feeling well and the nausea seems to be the worst in the evening. Daddy was blabbing away like a firestorm on the cell phone oblivious to my agony and the fact that I needed him. I felt so terrible. I took a nap, he made pizza. I woke up to eat some hoping the food would ease my stomach. It tasted good but every bite made me queasy. I couldn't figure out if I should eat less or more. I used to love ginger beer and now ewww. But, I was so desperate I started drinking some even though it tasted like something to throw out. Then, when I could make it no more, the emotions took over and I pushed my plate away, put my head on the kitchen table and started crying. I felt unsure of what to do, how to feel well, if I could even feel you, if you were there, if I would lose you, if the negative thoughts very making something horrible happen to you. Your Dad got off the phone and prayed with me. I started to calm down and felt a little better. Then my friend Ann called and told me she felt worry and doubt in her first pregnancy. I felt better that I wasn't the only crazy cat on the planet. I told her I wanted to feel confident and sure you were okay. I wanted to enjoy being pregnant and not worry or doubt. She told me she would pray for me. Then Nana called and prayed with me.

I feel better but I need God to take this one. You are too important to me. It's corny but I went to bed early, prayed, and held onto you in my belly singing, "He's got the whole world in his hands..." The next day at work something brilliant happened. I was sitting in a meeting and instantly a thought came to me, "You have a thriving growing baby inside of you!" God is so tender in mercy and provision. You my love are covered in grace. Thank you Lord.